Thursday 22 February 2007

A moment of religious reflecton

Last Night I went to church. I walked up through the churchyard, pulled open the large wooden doors and sat at the back. The nave was full, which completely surprised me. I'm not religious, although I wear a crucifix. I was given one by my mum when I first moved to London, it was stolen from my suitcase on a train back to Leeds so I've subsequently replaced it. Also, very surprisingly, I feel a sense of duty to my grandfather. I never had the pleasure of his company except a couple of times when I was about 7 of which I dont really remember, he died when I was about 15 and that has been the only funeral i've been to, but it's had a huge impact on me. My grandfather was a very deep, devout Catholic.
The church itself had fanastic architecture and the atmosphere was serene and mystical. The service was the one for Lent, a rather moving service with some genuinely good advice and politics. Everytime I've graced a church, it always makes me feel something spiritual and in within 10 minutes of being there I can completely see how and why these people devote themselves to an order beyond our understanding.

BUT: I also couldn't help but note that to me, it was all just a fantastic act in a very beautiful theatre.

The service was choreographed and over rehearsed, if I could ever say that! The principal was well trained. Deliverance deserved an Olivier. It was on a stage, they had parcans* for Christ's sake, pun intended. The relevant props were in place, similarly relevant set pieces were on rigs, ready to be flown in when needed. I.E. The font. This is south London, less than 5 mins walk from Arts Ed.** I couldn't help but wonder whether or not the Alter servers and Choristers were all undergraduates? How ever I feel when I'm in a church, whatever the service and however beautiful, I never fail to see past the theatricals. Maybe I'm just ignorant.
I'm never offended by people with such strong faiths, more jealous. I know the Catholic church isn't for me, but I also know that every so often in my life I'll find myself sitting at the back of one asking for forgiveness.

I'm thanking my grandfather for allowing me to be serviced to God, but sadly my Jesus will always be Glenn Carter, my church will always be an actual theatre and my Holy Book will always be Vogue.

This is just an early morning rant, I hope no-one is offended.

* A type of stage light. They're the big ones used at gigs.
** A theatre school trying to re-live 'Fame'. LITERALLY! But thats a whole new rant/blog.

Wednesday 21 February 2007

A Crying Shame

"Come on, Pearl* cries at everything! She even cries at 'Neighbours'"
"HA HA** She cried for an hour and a half during 'Titanic'"
"WHAT! Is that a joke? I wouldn't cry for an hour and a half if my mum died!"***


* Name changed to protect the identity of the real Wonder Woman****
** Impliments laughing
*** In reality I probably would cry, but no-one needs to hear that.
**** Not really :-)

Nik work's in a bank...

"Woolworths got ram-raided"
"My dad's bank got ram-raided once"
"My mum was ram-raided in a bank.... by a motorised scooter"

Wake up, it's a beautiful mornin'

I drew the heavy drapes back to be hit forcefully in the face by blinding, astonishing light. I pushed up the sash window and took a beep breath. A moment of realisation, life is great. Pearl* WE ARE GREAT! It's the second month into 2007AD and all seems to have a direction. I feel like I've somehow managed to almost banish what negative situations I haled to in '06 and stepped, most literally, into the light.

Back in september, after a summer of fun, it all seemed to go completely wrong. Through bankruptcy**, divorce*** and homelessness**** I struggled and cried and spent hours on a sofa whilest the psychiatrist***** listened, gave advice but never passed judgement. There were moments I couldn't see past leaving that sofa. But it's morning's like this morning that come out of the night like a phoenix out of the flames, that make you reaslise how each day brings new challenges. Each day is different to the last. Yesterday's problems will seem trivial almost, there will be light where there was once only darkness. Today will be an adventure and tomorrow will never come.

Live for now, this moment, this minute, this life. Time passes quickly and before you know it, you will be old and bald. In my case not in that order, damn it!! I know I'm ranting bollocks like ever other self-indulgent wise man wannabe. But, its how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, and isn't that what a blog's about??


* Pearl: you know who you are, and to everyone else she's wonder woman.
** I had earned a fair amount of money, then spent it on cashmere and lunch.
*** Although I was never actually married, being with a long term partner has it's strains so when it end's it's divorce.
**** I really was homeless!
***** O.K. The sofa was in The Slug, Psychiatrist was Pearl (see above).

Tuesday 20 February 2007

Loves Laydee's Lost

The flowers start to bloom, the birds begin to show themselves and sing much louder than before. Singing songs of joy, rebirth, love. The sun seems to shine brighter. Winter is on its way out. Long gone are the days of tinsel and reindeer socks, and then we hear it. See it. In our faces wherever we look. The words that start rational people on the road to neuroses, 'Valentines Day'.

On the whole people seem and react in a normal manner, but deep inside its utter terror. From the panic of which card to send, of not recieving a card, what present to get, whether to get a present, how many presents to get?? It's mania. I'm laughing at the thought but I remember the terror of not recieving a valentines card, and worse the terror of recieving one I hated! And I'm in a serious relationship, just look at the psychotic annalysis, imagine what its like for singletons everywhere that are already on the verge of a breakdown?!

So, this year I went on a mission.

I was spending the evening not with my Director, but with 2 fantastic, single, girlfriends of mine. The girls were getting together to watch 'The Brit's' music awards and invited me. "Starts at 8pm sharp". "O.K. I'm at work at Flora* all day but finish at 5 so I'll go home and come straight to yours, say 7.30?".
The next day before work I decided with what little cash graced my wallet, as its never any decent amount at the moment, to buy my fantastic laydee's a little thankyou gift for the evening**. I called into a shop that suited my budget and bought a big bag of sweets, ye olde fashioned kind that we had as children, and a bag of chocolate coins. I knew these would go down a treat and be would be appreciated. I was set. But as I headed for the curse of not driving A.K.A. public transport, I passed a bakery, and in the window proudly displayed was 2 heart shapped cookies with red icing. I love my friends dearly and spent the last £1 I had at my disposal for the rest of the week on the gifts of edible love.
Later that day the two laydee's in question payed me a visit to Flora and whilest I had them at my command, in my territory, and on a piece of furniture that i'd managed to make them fall head over heals with, now only to apply this to the actual customers, I presented them with the hearts. The look I recieved was priceless, beyond gratitude. Beyond caring. For that split second I was the only man alive. The only straight man alive.

Bollocks to cards, bollocks to the worry of several gifts. One gift from a person who genuinely cares, who isn't in search for displays of affection on a day thats dictated, one gift that makes you feel like the only person in the world is how everyone should feel. Regardless of status. Someone somewhere will always love you. And the scary but most beautiful thing is that generally, its always someone who''ll surprise you. And more often than not, it's generally your friends.

Partners come and go, but friends are for life.

NOTE: To my darling Director Boy, I feel that this is all still valid as our Valentines Day was the 17th and that I love you beyond the horror of the day and into eternity.
* 'Flora' A.K.A. Laura Ashley
** I'm a gentleman and believe in not turning upto a house empty handed, whatever your budget

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation.
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger that has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another,who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott

Monday 19 February 2007

Once More Into The Beechams Dear Friend...

When one is ill, I am the last to admit it. When others are badly, I am the first to find it amusing. My theory is that this is karma, bad bad karma, A.K.A. Bloody good revenge!

Why is it that when you are ill all thoughts are strained, all verse is distorted and all actions are cursed?! I struggle at the best of times to produce an accurate sentence whilest fighting attention deficit, let alone being ill. And guess who's ill now?! My eyes are hardly enabled, my head feels like it is squashed in a vice and I'm sneezing at rate that the female chav produces children! Or animals, or whaterever it is that they're spitting out these days due to the rate of global warming. It's at this point I start to ponder religion. Is there a god? Is it because I'm not particularly religous that I am inflicted with disease? Please refrain from laughing, he say's as "In the Navy" by the Village People starts playing in the background.

This is descrimination! I can fight for my rights, but in retrospect me being ill is just bad luck. Lets face it. Being ill is down to the weather and my imune system, not god trying to punish me. I mean, first there was Exhibitionists Adam and Eve. Then the incestial Cain and Able. What happened next?? Did Cain sleep with his mum or his brother? because as I work it out there werent any other humans, or at least thats what we are told. Was Eve a slut? Sleeping with everything and anything, plural children collecting Family Credit?? Did Adam have secret women that even god didn't know about?? or were they of the homosexual variety? To this, who knows. I'm all for being converted but please give me some accurate consruction rather than 'immaculate conception' bollocks. AAAARGH

I HATE BEING ILL, AND RANTING!